Monday, July 9, 2012

His Story

I'm sitting here going crazy trying to get this blogging right, I have blogged in the past but it's been over 2 years since having an on going one, after i lost my son in 2010 i tried starting a blog about dealing with my loss, I couldn't keep up with it, emotionally  i wasn't ready and i still don't think that i am fully ready, I think this idea "pieces of me"  will be better for me, because i do not have to relive his birth, death, funeral, ect daily. I mean yes, i do think of him every single day of my life, there are times when i forget about the pain and live in the moment to be happy for my girls. I still cry for him as i am right now, i'll always cry for him. Which brings me to telling my son's story. I know some of my readers have read this story and some probably are tried of hearing me talk about him BUT  i was trying so hard(to hard) to keep him alive, his memory alive but what i didn't know and now realize that it doesn't matter if anyone but me and those who love him remember him, he is alive in my heart and in my home!!!!!! If anything that comes from me telling his story i hope that it is awareness! With all that being said.... here is my baby boys story!!!


(Junior's story)


Everyone that knows me, knows that when I'm pregnant I'm a mess, I'm high risk with loads of complications, my first pregnancy was just about the same as this one, but in the end i delivered a perfect, healthy, live baby girl with the help of who i call the best damn doctor in the world he was on top of everything in my pregnancy step by step even going over board on all the tests and i had more exams than i thought at the time was necessary lol. Well, i was told that Junior was conceived on January 1st 2010, New years!!! All i could think was we did it "Right" this time, married and a New year baby this equals a new start for us. I was sooo happy when the test came back positive even though we weren't "trying". This time i cried tears of happiness and joy not that i wasn't happy about finding out i was pregnant with Katie but the feelings i had with her were scared, worried feelings. When Katie was 2 we had talked about "trying" for another baby, But the time was not right lots of things kept going wrong in life and our relationship. Anyways my OB care with Junior at most worthless and almost like none being that i did not have insurance of any kind, i had to settle for a low income clinic. Yes, i know now.!! My sonogram pictures we're vague and was even asked by my cousin why we could not see ALL of him in any of the pictures. I was told by the doctor that the machine was not able to capture ALL of him in one shot...and that it was perfectly normal..well i even told him that with my daughter i have clear wonderful shots that you could see her eye sockets as well as fingers,ect. But, was blew off and no her shots were not 3D they were from a regular sonogram machine! Seemed as if every time i visited the doctors i was blew off i waited in the waiting area LONG periods of time, they couldn't even take my blood they had to send me to the local hospital to have my blood drawn!! I had high blood pressure from which the doctor said because i had high blood pressure through out the pregnancy it was "Normal" for me! I'm anemic,over weight and severely depressed. I told them all about my first pregnancy every last detail that i could recall but it didn't matter to them. I'm not trying to say they killed my child but they could have taken better care of me and Junior and maybe just maybe his death could have been prevented. On August 24th i had gone to the hospital because when i got out of bed i was wet and a flood of water came running down my legs, my back was in crippling pain and my tummy was cramping, i was in tears barely able to move so the hubby rushed me in, they finally got me up to the room and put on machines as always they had a hard time finding his heartbeat, they finally said they had found it, the doctor made his way to my room he examined me and i was told i was dilated 2 and 1/2 cm and 80% ripe he did a sonogram and at this point it was the first time i had seen our sons face!!!!!! He looked just like our daughter did, their heads the same shape as there Daddy, I didn't see him move but doctor said he had a heartbeat, i could tell by the look on the doctors face that he WAS worried i was leaking, but he said he seen fluid around the baby then ordered me to wear a pad and walk the halls for 1 hour. I did but i was in so much pain walking was feeling like a punishment, after walking around for what seem to be a million years i gave the pad to a nurse who did the test strip right in front of my husband and i..... the tests strip in small areas showed the positive color for leakage but there was not enough fluid on my pad to soak the test strip, so after the nurse took the strip to my doctor and he looked at it and i was sent home with a negative result for leakage and that it was urine. I was told to take Tylenol for my pain and to rest, rest, rest also to keep my normal Ob appointment which was the next day on the 25th, BUT due to not having my min payment i was told i could NOT be seen. So i made an appointment for September 1st. That night around 1am my left breast felt like it was on fire and turned bright red seemed like in mins it formed and became hard. I went to my appointment and was told i had Mastitis in my left breast and they would be treating me for Asthma which is on the verge of Pneumonia the Doctor came in for a brief moment(i rarely seen the actual doctor) and said I was way to swollen and they would be running more test on my blood and such, but they NEVER came back to take my blood, he also said he will do the induction on the 20th if.. ...IF I do not go in to labor sooner which he said is looking like i wouldn't make it to the 20th they put me on Dicloxacill 500mg caps at 4 times a day and a air pro inhaler. Oh btw in the began i was told to stay away from milk and dairy products because they were making me sick also was told not to take my prenatal pills due to making me ill.. Well i went home and tried to rest as much as possible i barely moved from the couch. On the 6th i went to the bathroom and found what i believe was part of my mucus plug I wasn't worried because i was told you can lose the plug weeks before labor but i was still having the contractions that I was told were braxton hicks. Junior was kicking extra hard and really active on the 7th but he was active through out the pregnancy and i was really sick but i went to my pre-admission appointment with the hospital that morning and even thought about checking myself in but i kept telling myself the doctors know what there talking about, on the 8th i had another appointment with Ob,  i didn't feel him move much but wasn't to worried because the doctor was supposed to do an exam but that didn't happen the doctor told the practitioner nurse we would do it next time i came in on the 15th. The nurse had me sit on the table as normal to listen for his heartbeat and as i went to lay back it hurt so bad i couldn't do it, it felt like my tummy was going to rip but she just said."your fine lay back" so i did even though it hurt so bad, she had a hard time finding his heartbeat but then she said she found it and then i felt him kicking all around crazy and i even heard the thump on the heartbeat machine so i felt relieved and knew my baby was fine! I got really bad sick after that and the next few days were a blur i had every kind of pain in my tummy and i couldn't tell if he was moving or kicking, i couldn't feel anything but my cramping and pain which i had the runs and thought and prayed to myself that that was the reasons... pretty much i was in denial that my baby wasn't moving, i kept telling myself go to the hospital but i played out all the reasons and excuses in my head with what the doctors had told me so i didn't go i regret with everything in me that i didn't go. On the 15th four days before i was to be induced to have our son on the 20th which is also my husbands birthday i went in for my LAST Ob visit i waited 3 hours in the waiting room ALONE which was the first time i had gone to an appointment without someone either my Husband or my Daughter would be with me. When they finally got me back to my room the practitioner nurse came in to see me but i demanded to see the doctor so he came examined me and i was still the same 2 and 1/2 cm and 80% ripe. He did the heartbeat took him forever and nothing then they thought they found it but wasn't sure so they moved me to the other room with the sonogram machine and soon as he put the thing to my belly it was confirmed to me in my head i knew he was gone. They didn't even have to tell me i just knew, he didn't move and the heartbeart detector was silent after about 10 mins of him looking and looking at my baby he stopped, looked at me, he said"I can not confirm the condition of your baby" then told me i needed to go to the hospital now, i was asked if i need them to call some one or have there van take me or drive myself. The nurse tried to stop me as i was walking out to ask me if i was OK i screamed at her "don't touch me, don't talk to me" and walked out. I had to call my father in-law to tell him i needed him to pick up our daughter from her bus stop which was about 15 mins till they dropped her off, so he did. I sat in my truck for a moment then drove myself to the store put 10 dollars in my gas tank, pulled in a parking spot and cried.( I still don't understand what i was thinking, why did i go to a gas station and pump gas in my truck?!). I finally called my husbands boss,  i asked him to please have Trent go to the hospital Asap his boss sounded so happy asking are you having that baby? I just said yes crying. Then i called my Mom that was a HARD phone call to make knowing she was so far away and had no way to get to me as Mothers do when there babies are hurt, it broke my heart to have to tell her. Then i thought omg how am i going to tell my Husband his/our first and only son has died inside of me when i was supposed to protect him, how was i going to tell him i couldn't keep our baby alive?!? After my husbands boss had called the supervisor on the job site, he yelled to Trent "your wife is having the baby" Trent dropped everything and took off. I can picture his excitement of thinking his Son was about to be born, it brakes my heart in to a million pieces, what he thought was going to be one of the happiest days of his life was soon to be shattered like mine. I didn't want to tell him, I didn't want to brake his heart, I didn't want anyone feeling what i was feeling at the moment. He called me asked where i was at and i was just crying and told him the name of the store i was sitting at, he asked me why are you sitting at the store?! I told him i couldn't drive to come get me, he just told me "Hang on baby I'm on my way, stay calm. I'm coming" I could hear the excitement in his voice. I sat there crying for what seem like years. When he finally pulled up to my truck he opened his car door fast as lighting, and i slowly got in, he asked "are you in pain"? I just looked at him(thinking YES, my heart is in the most crippling pain) But, sat silent just looking at him, he looked at me with the puzzled look and asked "whats going on?"My heart felt like it had stopped with him driving i didn't want to tell him that i knew for sure our Son was gone. I told him what the doctor had told me."they couldn't find his heartbeart and the doctor couldn't confirm the condition of our Son" his face went from excited to worried in a flash i never seen him drive his car so fast. I told him just calm down and slow down there is nothing they can do. But he didn't listen he wanted to get us to the hospital that second, we pulled up and he was a mess he was yelling at the admins for making me fill out paper work!! he said "This is a damn emergency lady"!! so i made him go park the car while i did the paperwork. Finally got checked in and in my room the doctor which was my first doctor when i started seeing that clinic was the doctor on call he came right in and did a sonogram..still no heartbeart when he put it to my belly, he didn't say a word. I knew.. because every time i had a sonogram i automatically heard the swoosh swoosh of his little heartbeart. I just looked at Trent and begged God to make that machine swoosh...But it wouldn't fucking SWOOSH....  The doctor looked for any activity but there was none, finally he confirmed that our baby was gone. He gave us a few moments to let it all sink in..after a while the doctor and nurse came back to give us our options, we could go home for the night and come back tomorrow to be induced or we could go ahead and start it right now. We decided to go ahead and have him. They hooked me up and started the potcin, got me hooked up to the contraction machine and left us alone with paper work on what just happen. They couldn't tell me why he died, after they left we cried and the feeling i had was the worst pain i had ever felt in my life and some how i had this small amount of hope that they were wrong and he would come out alive. The nurses were so awesome. i had an epidural because the pain was just to much, after that i was fine, i slept in between phone calls, around 3am the epidural had wore off and the contractions were so bad all i could do was cry and say "oh god" "oh lord" "please" over and over. They finally got the guy to come back in and give me another dose of the epidural drug at around 3:55am just as it was numbing back out and i couldn't move my legs, Junior was coming...... they called the doctor and he ran in as fast as he could they were rushing around like ants getting everything ready as i was telling them "he is coming NOW" they propped my legs up on stirrups and it all happen so fast. i felt his head come out and they kept telling me don't push..i wasn't pushing!!!! I was sitting up so i could see, then his body came out.. 4:13am he was born..He had the cord wrapped around his little neck twice and once around his torso along with a tight true knot in his cord. The doctor cut his cord, the nurse grabbed him, as she did his little perfect face rolled toward his Daddy and I as if he was looking at us but with eyes closed, she took him to clean him up and then a few mins later my placenta came out, doctor cleaned me up and the nurses fixed my bed. She brought my Baby boy back to me and i held him and it was so strange because i was happy to see him and hold him FINALLY!! finally got to see who i fell so in-love with and hold him and love on him..he was so PERFECT!!!! ! Ten toes, ten fingers, his hands and feet look like mine. He had his Daddy's chin dimple and he had HAIR!!!! My 6lb 4.6oz 20 inch long perfect sleeping baby! The nurses treated him as if he were still alive so careful and sweet,they talked to him and we even had him baptized, we had a photographer from "Now i lay me down to sleep"  come in and take his pictures. I held him for about 30 mins before i even offered to let him out of my arms to his Daddy. Daddy was patient and waited till i offered him to hold and for a blessed 8 and 1/2 hours we held him and loved on him and spent as much time with him as we could. Then it was time to let him go, the nurses told us we could have as much time with him as we wanted and Trent let me decided when it was time to let him go. That was the hardest thing i did labor was NOTHING compared to letting them take my baby away..but i had to force my mind to realize that the baby i was holding was not him anymore that he was just a shell of him and that he is in heaven. Leaving the hospital empty armed and broken hearted.."If our son was meant to die before he was even born then why did I have to carry him to term, why did i have to go through all the sickness, pain, losing my job barely making it month to month praying to God we could pay our bills and suffer through laboring a healthy baby!?" Why couldn't I have just had him before everyone knew he was coming. Before we finished our nursery. Before we knew the gender. Before we started bonding with him, the idea of him, all the hopes and dreams we had for him, before we started getting excited. Before our parents were excited. BEFORE his big sister's were excited to have a baby brother. Trent Jr would have been both of our parents first grandson. I had a cruel reminder every time i got out of the shower and notice that I had milk coming out of my breasts and stretchmarks now on my sides, weeks of healing. Everything around me in my home was all about baby, pictures that my daughter drew of our family with baby drew to look like a happy baby brother in my belly, his room with his bassinet and all his tiny folded clothes, formula that he will never eat, toys he will never play with a car-seat he will never get to take a ride with his daddy in. I have to look in the mirror everyday and see the aftermath of 9 months pregnant...but there was no baby in my arms to show for it. I carried him for 9 months...I felt him kicking and moving everyday...I fell so hard in-love and now so Broken Hearted....


Trent James Price Jr. September 16th 2010 Emotions are running high with his 2 year birthday coming....
I love you Son always.

2 comments:

  1. I am so sorry! I remember Shelbi posting something on FB about this. My heart broke for you that day. And it breaks again reading this. You experienced every woman nightmare. I just can't imagine your pain. Again, I am so sorry!! Erin C.

    ReplyDelete