Saturday, July 21, 2012

I remember.....



As far back as i can remember my dad was awesome. I was the first of three "daddy's girls".
I remember when my dad would come home from work, he trained us girls to "boot race" first one to remove his boot was the WINNER! He was fun and goofy, he loved spending time with us doing anything and everything. He was a good dad, a GREAT dad.
I remember thinking my dad was so handsome and i wanted to marry my dad, he had sun bleached blond wavy hair and blue sky eyes, his arms were strong and i loved for him to hold me, we always visited my grandparents on the weekend and for some reason he liked to leave early in the morning before light, I remember pretending to still be asleep so he would carry me to the car wrapped up in my blanket. In my eye's he was strong, he was God like, he was my DAD!
I remember being scared to death of the dark, i would sneak into my Mom and Dad's room to sleep, eventually i got to big to sleep in the same bed so i would sneak in their room and sleep on the floor at his feet actually hanging on to his feet and he let me, as long as i was touching him... I was safe.
He was a volunteer firefighter at our local fire station..he was brave.
He drove a big cement truck for a living and i remember riding the bus home from school i would see his big truck drive past to turn in to the cement plant every single day, he would flash his light on and off, on and off and hang out his window waving to the bus. I looked forward to that after school everyday!
He took us fishing in his camouflage john boat, I helped him clean his AK-47 i was scared to death of it.
There we're about 13 or so kids that hung out at our house, he would involve ALL of us in doing whatever he was doing, he was building a big add on to the house, all of us with hammers in hand pounding at nails, measuring wood, grabbing tools he needed,ect....he was involved.
Thursdays were payday, when he got off work he wanted us to be ready for when he got home so he could shower get dressed and run out the door. That was our family night which i remember mostly being pay bills, dinner at the pizza place and then walmart to shop for what we needed and for our weekly get something we WANTED!
We were always doing something, something FUN!
He loved us...
He was a good dad.

So when he left it was a major shock. I was 12. I remember him actually walking out the door and hearing my mom cry. I woke up, walked in the living room and seen a brief piece of him quickly walking out the door. I remember slowly walking down the hall way to their room. I didn't understand why mom was crying. I remember her telling me to come to her. She held me and we cried.

I was devastated..WE we're devastated.

He showed up one night wanting to visit with us. I remember my mom was frying chicken and i begged him to stay for dinner, he told me it was up to my mom. so i ran in the house fast as lightning and begged her to let dad stay for dinner, she said yes and we eat. I was so happy it was like it use to be, the world was right again. But, it wasn't... not long after he ate he said he had to go. i was devastated again. I don't know why i thought fried chicken would make him stay.
Most of this time frame is a blur. I remember when he finally wanted to keep us for a night, he told us that we we're going to a friends house we're he was staying, i assumed this friend was a man but i was wrong. she was his girlfriend that he has been seeing along with her 2 children. My mother had to send blankets and a portable heater with us because there was no heat nor extra bedding. I thought we we're going to spend time with dad. Soon as we got there we sat on the couch with his girl friends 2 child while he and the girlfriend spent most of the time in their bedroom. That was our first experience having a visit with our dad. Everything after this point is pretty much a big fat blur with pieces and bits of memories, we didn't see him often after that. The dad that we knew was gone.
My mother pointed out to me he tried to do right in the beginning, but at some point he disappeared for about 6 months.
At one point he tried to get custody of us girls, he said some pretty evil things about our family, told so many lies about my mother. I'm assuming that paying child support was to much for them. That's my theory!
Drugs and alcohol really do change people.
I'm not going to list by list things that happen over the years, just know things at that point would never be then same.

Lot's of in between and here and there's went on for years. My dad had away about him, he could make anyone feel so sorry for him. As angry as i was at him I loved him just as much, i yearned for him, i would have done anything, said anything to just have those special moments we had when he was my dad again. when i got to my teen years i started visiting him more. I got away with anything. I wasn't supervised. I could do the things i couldn't do being at my moms house. I could go hang out all night with guys running around being free and ignorant!! I moved in with him a couple times through out my teens. Dad and i had a connection together with video games, he and i would stay up all night just playing, talking, drinking coffee and i would be in daddy heaven, those are the later year memories i hold on to so dear.

My dad started to have serious mental issues in the last few years of his life. when i was 21 i watched him attempt suicide after one of the many times he and his wife(which is the girl friend he left our family for) broke up, i had him baker acted, the next day his wife came to get him out.  I'm not even sure how many times suicide was attempted between the two of them.
I tried to get him the help he needed. after that it was awhile before i seen him again.
More blurred up memories....
I remember he was there for the birth of my first child Katherine. I remember him being so scared and shaking but he held her, he looked just a fragile as she did, weakly and pail.
Not long after i gave birth i was hospitalize for emergency gallbladder removal, he came to visit me, he was happy. It was weird seeing him happy! He reached in to his pocket and pulled out this shiny coin to show me, he had the biggest goofy HAPPY smile on his face, he was proud! It was his 1st AA chip.
In September 06 my husband, daughter and i went to dad's for 2 months and stayed in his RV. It was awesome at first till the evil started, He got wasted and i mean ubber wasted on night when i was at my mom house visiting, he called me around 2am screaming at me telling me that he wished he would have never brought me back in to his life and he regret me, he told me to not have any more babies, don't bring any more innocent children in this evil world. I was beyond hurt and I could not have my child in that type of environment so we left.

After we left i started getting more frequent random phone calls from him, 2am 3am 4am phone calls. He would be crying and explaining to me how he fucked everyone's life up and apologized numerous times. These type of phone call were normal about once a year. but, he was calling me almost daily.
I never really knew what to say to him, so i would be easy on him and tell him it was OK, that we loved him regardless, which was the truth we did and do love him.

On November 24th 2006 he called me 12 times through out the day just to say he loved us and missed us. My sisters we're having a birthday party that weekend and he wanted to go to it. I spoke to my sisters about him coming and we all agreed it would be a bad situation for him to come to as there would be LOTS of alcoholic beverages. We didn't want him temped, so i told him it wouldn't be a good idea, that we should make plans for him to visit another day. He sounded so sad as he said OK.
A few hours later he called me again as i was getting my daughter out of the car and i was pretty aggravated at him for calling and calling. I didn't answer.
By the time i got in the house there we're 3 or 4 missed calls from him. He called again, i answered. He was wasted, crying.......
He told me he was so sorry he ruined everything, he said he was drunk and took some pills that his wife gave him.
He continued telling me how awful a father he has been and he was so ashamed of how he treated his baby girls and our mother, he had told me numerous times how he made a mistake leaving my mom and that he still loved her and wished he could have his family back.
He told me he was so miserable. To which i kept replying that it was Ok, I told him that he needed to take a shower, lay down, sleep it off and tomorrow is a new day, you can start over fresh!!
He told me that i didn't understand,  he said no one understands......
I begged him to go to sleep, tomorrow will be a new day.
He said he would and he sounded Ok at that point.
He told me he loved me and wanted me to tell my sister's he loved them as well.
We said our goodbyes......

An hours or so later i was standing in the kitchen frying chicken when the phone rang, it was my step sister...
All she said was my name and her voice was trembling she said "Your dad" and that was all she had to say...
I dropped the phone and i just remember screaming at her No, No, No you're lying. I remember being so weak i fell to the ground.
My husband came running in and grabbed the phone, he spoke with her. He tried to calm me.
I remember him calling my mom, then i remember standing in the front yard with my mom and 2 sisters all in a bundle of knotted arms and tears....

I called his cell phone later that night.
The first of many calls to hear his voice....



                                              I remember...
                                              He was my Dad...
                                              He tried to be a good Dad...
                                              He loved us....

                               http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org. 
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XoX
(Kisses from the girls)
xox

6 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry! I teared up reading that and I know it must have been an emotional story to share. Sorry for your loss :(

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  2. Thank you, Anonymous! Kind words mean so much! ;0)

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  3. I said about all that I could when we spoke about this a while back, so I'll just send you a hug instead.

    Love,
    Heavy D

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  4. So many emotions we all had and still have surrounding that horrific day! The one thing I can truly say is that his girls are the most remarkably adept human beings I know. They have said to me a few times in our lives, you are a rock and to that I say No! Truth be told you girls are the true rock that held US your parents, up through the trials and tribulations of our lives. Lord knows we went through some major storms and sadly will no doubt be in the middle of many more to come.He knew your strengths and how much you loved him no matter what! Those who commit suicide I am sure are looking for a way of ending their pain, never realizing they are passing the pain on to those they leave behind. No one ever gets over losing someone or the hurt that seems to last a lifetime,you just make room for it some how."Life ends but Love never dies"

    Love Always Mom

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  5. Being a survivor of someone who I was very close to (my baby brother) committing suicide it is HELL on us survivors. We deal with the daily what ifs, what I had done this or said that, what if, what if, what if until it can almost drive us insane!

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  6. Sharon,

    I love reading your blogs. I feel so close to you. You are so very strong, and it's the things you say that make me feel better all the time. I am so happy that my brother found the most wonderful woman in the world to be with. You are a wonderful person! I am so sorry that you lost your dad. I too lost someone close to me from suicide. He was a military retiree of only 3 years. It made him crazy! He was always talking about how he wanted to tell us so much stuff, but they were always watching him.

    You never forget, but you learn to keep your head high and remember that you still have much life to live. I always think to myself that he is happier now. I love you so much!

    ~Sheli~

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