Friday, January 18, 2013

You can't understand unless you've been there....

So I've been a little emotional, I found out that my high school best friends little brother and his wife lost their son(first child) to stillbirth. As respect for them i wont go into details or name names. Soon as I got the news from my friend my heart sank so deep and i was back there... back in that hospital room hooked up to that damn sonogram machine that wouldn't swoosh no matter how hard I prayed to God to make it swoosh.. he was dead. My son was DEAD. Even though I don't know my friends sister in law I wanted to jump in the car and go let her know its OK to be pissed and angry and hate the world, its OK to break anything and everything in your way smash it, bust it, destroy it!! I want to tell her people are going to say things that hurt so bad and they don't understand why, they may think their comforting you with a "you can try again" or "it happen for a reason" and your going to wanna punch their face in. You may fall so deep into a depression you feel as though you can't go on living, or you may turn cold and not even talk about him. Its been over 2 years since we lost our baby boy and not a day goes by I don't think of him or shed a tear for him. His urn sits on the shelf over my spot on the couch, his photo is the first thing you see when you walk in the door, he is my only son and I'm so proud of him. Some people have are hard time with me displaying his photo or his things, he was beautiful and those things are all I have of him. Losing a child is one of the hardest things to go through spiritually I questioned God hourly I cursed God daily I hated God for taking my baby away, I lost my faith. I wanted so badly to see my son in my dreams and God wouldn't even allow that, I dreamt of the situation, I dreamt I was pregnant with him but I was never allowed to see his face in my dreams, I slept a lot just hoping I could see his face and hold him. It wasn't until recently that I was blessed with holding him in my dreams. When I woke up I cried and held my Gracie so tight and thanked God for my living children. I'm not sure if losing your first child to stillbirth is harder then losing a child when you have already had one, the joy you already know is stolen from you, but yet the joy you never knew as a first timer was stolen and you never knew it. Either way its beyond words to describe the pain. I honestly don't even know if I'm making since to you through my tears. This is the first time iv really blogged about him since his story, its a touchy subject to write about and iv been so fearful to go there with you. So for now this is all that I can bring myself to say.

1 comment:

  1. Thoughts and prayers to your friend and thoughts and prayers to you!
    I lost my first and only son to stillbirth as well. Its been almost 13 years. I to think about him everyday. I had the same problem, my doctors didn't take better care of me. I know in my heart it was his fault!